Camping with kids
August 15, 2018Woolroom verdict
August 26, 2018Ever have those moments as a parent when you stand back and think ‘what the hell is happening?’ or ‘what the fuck is happening with my life?’ or ‘Is this what my life has now become?’
I get these daily. These ‘what the hell’ moments.
They usually happen when I’m doing something that I just never would have thought I would be doing once I became a parent. It’s those times when you have to laugh, if not you’ll cry.
So, just for fun this is my lowdown of those moments that I have had so far and that I can remember!
- Before I had kids I thought any type of bodily fluid coming off a small person was disgusting. That changed to an extent once I had kids. I mean, I still could never use that sucky thing to take their snot out of their noses BUT my favourite pastime was picking their dried bogeys out of their noses. Soooo satisfying!
- Constipation. It ruins your life when your new baby hasn’t shit for about a week. Poor Cecily was in this predicament. We tried everything to get her moving and consulted every old wives’ tale under the sun. What worked? A cotton bud up her bumhole as a tickling stick. Yep.
- One of the lowest moments of parenting has to be when your child finishes their small ice cream and then kicks up a fuss until you give them yours. Then they drop it on the floor.
- One of my children has shot luminous yellow shit across the room and into my wide open mouth. Party trick and a half. It won’t ever be repeated again.
- A proper low is when your child is poorly because it is awful seeing them like that. The lows reach a new level when said child vomits but you think you’ll be a hero and try to save the carpet by shoving a change mat underneath her, only to miss and then have to scoop the vomit off the carpet with your bare hands. Grim.
- I thought I’d never have to be on erection watch with my infant son in his first year but I was! He was born with hypospadia but luckily he has been discharged from the hospital now.
- I’ve had to clean shit off the grass and I don’t own a dog…
- Having to let your kids use various sanitary products as toys in public because they found them in your bag.
- Being on the phone to 111 for what seemed like an eternity because your child ate your gaviscon that had been left lying around…
- Getting out of the shower and discovering that your child has opened your new mascara and smeared it all over your gorgeous rug.
- That same day, turning around wondering why the hairdryer is on to see that the rug is smoking and has melted.
- Your child opening a present and spilling it over the carpet. It was beard glitter. I hate loose glitter.
- Having to fish various soft toys out of toilets.
- Having your hand act as a receptacle for your child’s masticated food. Everyday.
- Discovering that your child wants to be like mummy and put lipstick on. But it is done in permanent marker. Joy.
What are some of yours? Come on…let me know!!!
x