What the hell…?

Ever have those moments as a parent when you stand back and think ‘what the hell is happening?’ or ‘what the fuck is happening with my life?’ or ‘Is this what my life has now become?’

I get these daily. These ‘what the hell’ moments.

They usually happen when I’m doing something that I just never would have thought I would be doing once I became a parent. It’s those times when you have to laugh, if not you’ll cry.

So, just for fun this is my lowdown of those moments that I have had so far and that I can remember!

• Before I had kids I thought any type of bodily fluid coming off a small person was disgusting. That changed to an extent once I had kids. I mean, I still could never use that sucky thing to take their snot out of their noses BUT my favourite pastime was picking their dried bogeys out of their noses. Soooo satisfying!
• Constipation. It ruins your life when your new baby hasn’t shit for about a week. Poor Cecily was in this predicament. We tried everything to get her moving and consulted every old wives’ tale under the sun. What worked? A cotton bud up her bumhole as a tickling stick. Yep.
• One of the lowest moments of parenting has to be when your child finishes their small ice cream and then kicks up a fuss until you give them yours. Then they drop it on the floor.
• One of my children has shot luminous yellow shit across the room and into my wide open mouth. Party trick and a half. It won’t ever be repeated again.
• A proper low is when your child is poorly because it is awful seeing them like that. The lows reach a new level when said child vomits but you think you’ll be a hero and try to save the carpet by shoving a change mat underneath her, only to miss and then have to scoop the vomit off the carpet with your bare hands. Grim.
• I thought I’d never have to be on erection watch with my infant son in his first year but I was! He was born with hypospadia but luckily he has been discharged from the hospital now.
• I’ve had to clean shit off the grass and I don’t own a dog…
• Having to let your kids use various sanitary products as toys in public because they found them in your bag.
• Being on the phone to 111 for what seemed like an eternity because your child ate your gaviscon that had been left lying around…
• Getting out of the shower and discovering that your child has opened your new mascara and smeared it all over your gorgeous rug.
• That same day, turning around wondering why the hairdryer is on to see that the rug is smoking and has melted.
• Your child opening a present and spilling it over the carpet. It was beard glitter. I hate loose glitter.
• Having to fish various soft toys out of toilets.
• Having your hand act as a receptacle for your child’s masticated food. Everyday.
• Discovering that your child wants to be like mummy and put lipstick on. But it is done in permanent marker. Joy.

Stealing my ice cream…just before it fell on the floor.

Poor Lily cat.

What are some of yours? Come on…let me know!!!

x