When I became a Mother

When I became a mother I was not prepared for it to be so life changing. Sounds ridiculous now, but I was that person who did not really acknowledge that I was pregnant until the third trimester and thought that I would only need six months maternity leave at most.

I told my friends and colleagues that my life would not change, that my ambitions would not change and I certainly would not be the type of parent constantly posting pictures of my baby on social media! Oh, how wrong I was.

My parenting oxymoron

My life certainly changed – more than I could have realised, in an incredibly positive way but also in a very negative way.

When I became a mother for the first time it was a very traumatic experience; one that scarred me for a long time. Unfortunately two years later I was clinically diagnosed with PND and anxiety – something that I am convinced I had been suffering with for a long time before.

Being suddenly responsible for this tiny being is so overwhelming. There is no handbook. Nobody tells you about ‘the fear’ or the dark loneliness that can envelope you in the early hours of the morning when you are on your hundredth feed of the night.

Sleep deprivation is the killer, after all, it is a form of torture.

I got to nine weeks of broken sleep with my second before I finally broke which I think is good going given that I had a toddler who would not nap (which meant I couldn’t ‘nap whilst the baby napped’!). I constantly question myself and some days I wonder whether my parenting skills are enough for them, however this is probably the remnants of PND talking!

The flip side of being a mother is exhilarating

You get to watch your babies grow into the sweetest little things (despite the precociousness issues), get lots of lovely little cuddles, be told that they love you and fall asleep with their hand in yours.

You are their world and that is a beautiful thing.

Motherhood brought the love, the adoration, the protectiveness – but it also brought with it a loss of identity and that is something that I have really struggled with.

It has taken me a long time to realise that the person who I always was is still there but it has morphed into something infinitely more wonderful.

When I became a mother I became complete.

x

#whenibecameamother

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